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The Powers of the Trumpet Section Leaders

TSL-1 The Trumpet Section Leaders are exempt from any and all rules they don't feel like following with the exception of TSL-1 and all TRM-class rules.

TSL-2 a. All persons of rank lower than the omnipotent deities attempting to give themselves rights shall be deported to Practice Room 2 for trial and punishment.

b. All persons not reporting to room 2 shall listen to Chris Gude practice scales for one full hour.

TSL-3 All music, both in concert season and marching season, shall be selected by the Trumpet Section Leaders.

TSL-4 The Trumpet Section Leaders have the exclusive right to determine what pep band songs to play and when.

TSL-5 A penalty of death is an option always available to the Trumpet Section Leaders.

TSL-6 ONLY the Trumpet Section Leaders may in any way modify or misinterpret these rules. All interpretations are subject to the whim of the Trumpet Section Leaders.

TSL-7 No freshman may EVER obtain the title of Trumpet Section Leader. EVER!

TSL-8 Contrary to common belief, the trumpet section leaders were never freshmen. Never have been freshman, and they never will be freshmen. 9th - 13th grade years are to be called the "pre-sophomore year."

TSL-9 The Trumpet Section Leader will not be issued any field markers (chips) at the beginning or marching season. He (or she) is aware of his or her destination. The rest of the band is required to adjust to the Trumpet Section Leader.

TSL-10 In the event that the Trumpet Section Leader has a total nervous breakdown, he is legally allowed to select no more than three (3) low-class woodwind players to accompany him to his bedchamber for a night of eternal ecstasy. In the event that such a woodwind is selected to participate in "cordial relations" with the Trumpet Section Leader, she and her family will be allowed to spend one (1) day at the Royal Trumpet Palace, and she will be promoted to the rank of Temporary Honorary Mellophone Player.

TSL-11 The Trumpet Section Leader may never select a piccolo player to fulfill the above role. The risk of mutating the Trumpet gene pool is too great.

TSL-12 In the event that a female Trumpet Section Leader reigns, she may do as she wishes. If this involves packing three tremendously heavy suitcases and forcing her underlings to drag them around Sky Harbor International Airport, then it must be so.


The Trumpet Council

TRC-1 a. The Honored Trumpet Council shall be made up of all trumpet players with silver trumpets. b. This does not include any trumpets with silver and gold plating. The trumpet must be silver or nickel-plated.

TRC-2 The Trumpet Council shall be empowered as follows: Trumpet Section Leader in most bands (if applicable), next Trumpet Section Leader (if applicable), Bach Stradivarious trumpets, all other professional-class trumpets, and finally intermediate silver trumpets.

TRC-3 Zach Yennie shall never be allowed on the trumpet council.


The Female Blond Trumpet Hierarchy

FBT-1 Because Erika Jones received this revelation from the Valve Oil Goddess, she shall be the ultimate authority, after the Trumpet Section Leader (TSL-6), of the FBT hierarchy rules until her graduation, at which point the highest-playing trumpet female will take over.

FBT-2 The trumpet section leader shall still have power above the "Goddess," even if the FBTH law says otherwise. Pursuant to TSL-12, if a Female Trumpet Section Leader reigns, she shall automatically be "Goddess," and will totally reign over the entire band and staff.


The Powers of Woodwinds (har de har har)

WIN-1 a. The only people with fewer rights than freshman are woodwinds.

b. Yes, this means that woodwinds have LESS than no rights.

WIN-2 Should a woodwind attempt to be cool, they shall be placed in solitary confinement until they have regained their sanity.

WIN-3 a. Asking a woodwind, other than those designated as honorary brass by the trumpet section leader, any question requiring an intelligent answer, shall be illegal.

b. In an emergency, the above law shall be voided on a per case basis with written consent from the Trumpet Section Leader.

WIN-4 The words loser and woodwind may be used interchangeably.

WIN-5 a. No woodwind shall be given an unaccompanied solo greater than 5 sec. in length, for any reason.

b. Should a woodwind desire a solo longer than the allotted 5 sec, he/she must be accompanied by a brass player (preferably a trumpet player).

WIN-6 Siblings of woodwinds shall have the right to band-subsidized therapy.

WIN-7 Woodwinds are forbidden from dating the Trumpet Section Leader, unless handled roughly and referred to as "My Slave."

b. Dating does not define the act allowed by TSL-10.


The Powers of Trumpets

TRM-1 During tuning, the tuner shall be re-calibrated so that the trumpets shall always be in tune.

TRM-2 In the event that the flutes or any other woodwind section, or the trombones, are causing an unusual delay in the tuning process, the trumpets shall lay out a plan of attack, surround the section, and throw the offending section's instruments further than the football team can move a play. Note - That means about 5 yards at Mesquite.

TRM-3 a. Tempo shall be determined by neither the director nor the drum majors, but solely by the trumpets. b. Any trumpet repeatedly playing a tempo which does not in any way relate to that of his fellow trumpets nor the drum major, nor percussion section, nor any part of the band, but which causes at least one half (1/2) of the band to follow, shall be awarded the Trumpet Medal of Honor, to be presented at the band awards ceremony.

TRM-4 Whenever the trumpets are playing Pep Band music, they are by definition playing melody.

TRM-5 a. When a trumpet player has lost all sense of rhythm and melody in a song, they shall immediately begin alternating between any first and open notes above C. b. Should a trumpet player be unable to play notes above second octave C, he or she shall be stripped of his or her horn and immediately denoted as an honorary woodwind with no possibility of parole.

TRM-6 All trumpet players incapable of reaching third octave C by the end of marching season their junior year shall be permanently barred from the marching band, and must be forced to date woodwinds.

TRM-7 No trumpet shall ever be used to sound a tuning note. Trumpets are automatically in tune.

TRM-8 Horse whinnies and moos may be performed only by certified personnel. b. The tubas may think that they are the "moo" people. That is not true. Only the trumpets can "moo."

TRM-9 All band personnel are required to salute whenever a Trumpet passes by, and in the event that the Trumpet Section Leader is seen in public, he must be bowed to graciously and given a monetary donation b. In the event that someone interprets "given a monetary donation" as throwing coins at the high Section Leader, that person will be demoted to (dis)honorary piccolo with no possibility of parole. c. In the event that that person is already a piccolo, she shall be forced to do 100 repetitions of lifting the Bach Megatone mouthpiece of the Trumpet Section Leader in each arm.

TRM-10 In the event that dynamic markings in a given piece do not exceed "mf" for all Trumpet parts, the master set of the score will be burned and the composer brutally slain. This situation is also true in the event that the 1st Trumpet part contains more than fifty (50) consecutive measures of rest or one-hundred-twenty (120) total measures of rest.

TRM-11 The option "8va" must proceed every numbered bar on all marching and pep band music.

TRM-12 Any non-section-leader trumpet may date a flute on a case-per-case review by the Trumpet Section leader and/or the Trumpet Council.


The Laws of Etiquette

ETI-1 a. Arrogance in the trumpet ranks is strictly forbidden. b. This rule shale not be applicable to those enrolled in public schools, private schools, home-schooling, or the alumni of these schools. This law shall also be void for all males, females, and aliens from planets you've probably never even heard of yet.

ETI-2 a. Obeying the orders of an assistant director, or student teacher, can and will be punishable by death. b. In the event of an extreme emergency, the aforementioned law shall be ignored. A status of emergency may only be declared by the Trumpet Section Leader.

ETI-3 All players of rank equal to or higher than honorary brass shall be addressed by the first name of the person, the conjunction, "of," and the person's instrument, as in Paul of Tuba. They may also be addressed with any fitting adjectives, such as Mariachi Rob of Trumpet. All flutes shall be addressed as either:

Flutey

You

(grunt).

All other woodwinds will be designated by a method of choice, to be selected by the Trumpet Section Leader.

ETI-4 The following are the nicknames for each pertinent section: Flutes/Piccolos - Hole-blowers; Other woodwinds: Wood suckers; Low brass: (say something along the lines of), "Oh, blow it out your low brasshole!"


Relations with the Percussion Section

RPS-1 The trumpet section leader can form an alliance with the percussion section leader at any time, unless it is Mark Bartes.

b. If it is Mark Bartes, he'll flash a cop before the season ends, so just go with the drummer most likely to be line leader.

RPS-2 If an alliance is formed, it must agree to no terms except for the members involved to do their best at ridding the marching band of woodwinds and forming a drum and bugle corps, at which point the band can join DCI.

RPS-3 If an alliance is formed, ridiculing drummers is still allowed, just don't do it in front of them.


Relations with the Rest of the Brass Section

BRS-1 The trumpet section leader and all members shall rule with iron fists over all the other brass sections.

BRS-2 Any dissident sections shall immediately be punished by having to listen Chris Gude practice Regional etudes for one hour.

BRS-3 Continually mocking the woodwinds is a necessary requirement to be considered "brass."

BRS-4 Only the trumpet section leader, not any other section leader or section member, can demote a fellow brass player to the status of "honorary piccolo" or any other "honorary woodwind." (an oxymoron?)

BRS-5 The brass section must work with the alliance between the drum line and the trumpet line to become a drum and bugle corp.

BRS-6 a. Special care must be taken to make sure the trombones do not become dissident. They can become very annoying and a hindrance to the marching band. b. If they do become dissident at any time in the season, they shall undergo a "trombone-ectomy." c. It shall be up to the drum line to interpret clause (b) of this rule.


Other Laws of Importance

OTH-1 a. Make no mistake about it: Freshmen Have NO Rights. b. If anybody runs down a freshman in the parking lot, the band is to throw him or her a party, unless (i.) the person being run down was a trumpet, or (ii.) the person running down was a flute. c. This rule shall be revoked for any freshman Trumpet Section Leader. d. Since there never will be a freshman Trumpet Section Leader, ignore clause C.

OTH-2 Sale of the magic lip-rejuvenation potion to minors shall be strictly forbidden.

OTH-3 The power of the Band Council is to be null and void, that is, unless a Trumpet holds the title of "President" or in the event that 2/3 of the band council is made up of Trumpets.

OTH-4 Before giving a command to the general band population, the director must demonstrate his ability to match or exceed the range of the lead trumpet player. In the event that the director is unable to attain this level of greatness, he must bow down and follow the wishes of the Trumpet Section Leader

OTH-5 Any non-trumpet band member wishing to move a Trumpet case must first receive written permission from the Trumpet Section Leader or must be immediately put to death.

OTH-6 The trumpet section leader can either: a.) be very kind and buy a case of valve oil at the beginning of the year, or: b.) be very mean and take everybody else's valve oil.



This page inspired by The Trumpeter's Handbook of Law, and was edited to fit Mesquite High School's Trumpet Line. It has probably gone too far.


THE FOLLOWING RULES HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE TRUMPETER'S HANDBOOK OF LAW 2000-2001 TSL-2a, TSL-2b, TSL-8, TRC-3, FBT-1, FBT-2, WIN-7, (all rules below TRM-2 have been moved down one and a new rule was added as) TRM-2, TRM-8, TRM-9, TSL-8, RPS-1, RPS-2, RPS-3, BRS-1, BRS-2, BRS-3, BRS-4, BRS-5, BRS-6a, BRS-6b, BRS-6c OTH-1b, OTH-6a, and OTH-6b, ETI-4,. These sections were added: FBT (Female Blonde Trumpet Hierarchy), RPS (Relations with the Percussion Section), and BRS (Relations with the rest of the Brass Section.)